Legal System

Hate Them Lawyers #1

“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.”

“Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”



First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.

First person: Good!






Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.






You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.






What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.






What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

Skeet.






One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to meet St Peter and see if they would get into heaven.

St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

St Peter had a foundness in his heart for those who dedicated theire lives to education, so he thought for a while and then came up with the teacher's question.

He said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need another garbageman (some of them have pretty foul mouths you know) , decided to make the question a little harder.

"How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "Wow.. good answer. That happens to be right."

He opened the gate and said to the garbageman "Go ahead in."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and and assessing all the good deeds that lawyers do throughout their lives came up with what he thought was an appropriate question for the lawyer.

"What were their names?"






Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.



A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
Sautéed Tourist $10

Braised Reporter $12

Fried Diplomat $15

Barbecued Lawyer $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.

The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.”






Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.






A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.”
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “ Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”






What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.






A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'”






How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.





A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."





What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.






Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.





There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer lawyers to rats:

1. Lawyers are more plentiful.

2. Some of them are easier to train.

3. Researchers don’t get attached to them.

4. There are some things a rat won’t do.

Only problem though is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.






A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle,

I will grant you three wishes," said

the genie.


"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."


First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.

"What is your next wish?"


"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.


"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.


The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."





What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!






If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.





What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.





When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.






In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."






A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage.
The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.




Q. Why do they bury lawyers ten feet down instead of the traditional six (feet)?

A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys.








What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.






What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.




Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
“I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?”

Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”




Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.





Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.





How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.






Two lawyers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit.

Question: Who hits the bay first?


Answer: Who cares?!





A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it’s lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people. A bystander asks the man, “What’s going on?”
“My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,” is the reply.

“Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander. “I’ve got a lawyer I’d like to have eaten.”

“Sorry, but you’ll have to get at the end of that line,” said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.







If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.





If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?





How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!