Legal System

Hate Them Lawyers #3

What is the definition of a lawyer?
A mouth with a life-support system.






What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.






“Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.”
-- Anonymous






Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.





At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the lawyers present nodded in astonished belief while the layman present blurted out, “It’s obvious that the left one is phony!” The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, “Why, it’s easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity.”







What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law.

A great lawyer knows the judge.






Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors.
Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.






“The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.”
-- Will Rogers






A small town that can’t support one lawyer can always support two.





What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.






How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
She has an extreme craving for baloney.





Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:
The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em up,” he contended, “and everything is color-coded.”

“Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open ‘em up and everything is alphabetized.”

The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants. You open ‘em up and everything is numbered.”

“Lawyers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.”








How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifty-Four.


* 8 to argue

* 1 to get a continuance

* 1 to object

* 1 to demur

* 2 to research precedents,

* 1 to dictate a letter

* 1 to stipulate

* 5 to turn in their time cards

* 1 to depose

* 1 to write interrogatories

* 2 to settle

* 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and

* 28 to bill for professional services