Legal System

Hate Them Lawyers #5

“Lawyers may often do well, but not often by doing good... even when they try.”
-- Charles E. Sherman

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“Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.”
-- Franz Kafka

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A group of professional men had finished a day’s hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.

The musician’s dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata.

The engineer’s dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.

The lawyer’s dog was screwing all the rest.

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A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam’s rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, “Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden.”

“I have you both beaten,” the lawyer gloated. “Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?”

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Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

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“Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others.”
-- James Gibbons Haneker

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Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: “I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside.”

The second doctor said: “I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered.”

“Nonsense,” said the third doctor. “The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth -- and those are interchangeable.”

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“There are three sorts of lawyers -- able, unable and lamentable.”
-- Robert Smith Surtees

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.

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Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.

And when they land, they screw up everything forever.