Legal System

Hate Them Lawyers #6


What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?
Your Honor.








It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, “Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!”
The driver looked out his window and said, “No, you’re in trouble. I’m a judge.”





There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer’s funeral. “Here’s a hundred,” he said. “Bury 10 of ‘em.”





A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.
“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”






A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.”





A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.

“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”






Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, with no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.

The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"


"Well," the other hunter replied, "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard and getting the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge, so now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."






A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.
He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. “Sorry,” said the President, “but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.”