Legal System

Courtroom Antics

The judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."


"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"


"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

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First lawyer: “Unmitigated liar!”
Second lawyer: “Lowdown cheat!”

Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”

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A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."

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We heard of a lawyer who said, in the summation of his case, “And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive.”

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A young lawyer with her first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from the point of the case.
When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, “I’ll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument.”

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A lawyer speaking to a judge:

“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.”

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Court: A room wherein are commonly found large numbers of thieves, rapists, muggers, arsonists, perverts, degenerates and lawyers.

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Murphy, a lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that had been brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied. "The other eleven wanted to acquit."

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A man charged with stealing a car was acquitted at his trial. Later the same day, he went back to the courtroom and approached the judge.
“Your honor,” he said, “I want to get out a warrant for that crooked lawyer of mine.”

“Why?” asked the judge. “She won your acquittal. What do you want to have her arrested for?”

“Well, your honor,” replied the man, “I didn’t have the money to pay her fee, so she went and took the car I stole.”

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Then there is the old story involving the theft of some pigs:
The Judge: Are you the defendant?

Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the pigs.

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A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”
“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”

“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

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A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, “I think the light was yellow,” or, “I think it was still raining.”
The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, “We don’t care what you think. What do you know?”

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, “Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I’m not a lawyer, I can’t talk without thinking.”

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Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.
“I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.”

“Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”